My first attempt at blogging

So I've been wanting to start a blog for a long time but never knew when the best time to start was. I guess there is no right time. Tonight after a very special moment which will be explained later, I decided it was time I finally start a blog. One, as a way to let family and friends know what is going on, but also to have a way to get things off my chest...I hold a lot of things in until it just breaks me down.

Since the new semester has started, I've struggled a little with my new students (for those of you who aren't sure, I'm a preschool teacher...yes, that means I teach 16 four-year-olds everyday). Some of you may be thinking, how does she do it? Well, I've actually really loved my job for awhile, especially once I got my own classroom. Even though this semester has been challenging, I've felt like I could deal with it. However, the last few weeks I've started hating work and I've dreaded going in everyday. The sad part is, this started my first day back from a three day NAEYC conference in Dallas. This conference is for early childhood educators (or anyone working with young children) and it really motivated me to be a better teacher. I came home excited to see my students and implement new ideas. Thirty minutes into my first day back, I wanted to give up.

I have a student who gets VERY ANGRY very quickly and without much warning. He'll be happy one moment and then the next he's kicking, screaming, hitting, pinching, you name it, he's probably doing it. Things haven't always been this bad. In fact, the physical things didn't start until last Monday. I thought I could handle it on my own, but obviously I can't. How sad is it, that a four-year-old can start to make you feel bad about yourself. I know it's partially my fault for letting things get to me, but when you have a child yelling at you several times a day (let me re-phrase that, screaming at you) "I hate you, you meanie. I don't like you. I'm not listening to you. I don't care. You're a meanie. I hate you." well it can kinda breaks you down even if you try not to let it. I try so hard to show this child love and I don't understand what is going on with him. I want to help him. I want him to enjoy school. I want him to be happy.

Instead, I find myself getting physically hurt by him daily, getting frustrated to the point that I lose patience with the other children (which is not at all fair to them), and then coming home with no energy and feeling a bit depressed because I can't fix the situation. Did I mention that this child is only 4 and he's as tall as my shoulder and weighs almost as much as I do? Can you see why I might struggle a little? I do get help from the assistant director and a few other staff members. When he gets too physical for me, they come to help and remove him from the room temporarily. This helps only while he is gone. Then he returns and it starts over 30 minutes later. The parents aren't as helpful as I'd like and sometimes I'm not sure whether or not they believe me.

Anyway, for the last week and a half, I've come home almost every night and gone straight to bed. I don't go right to sleep but I lay in bed in my own little world of television. I've been having horrible dreams at night because I can't get this situation out of my head. As many of you know, I do go to church and religion is a big part of my life. Well, for a while now, I've been slacking off big time in reading the scriptures and especially with saying daily prayers.

I am very stubborn sometimes and I guess you could say I was wanting to work out this issue all by myself or at least with the help of other staff members or the parents. Did I ever turn to our Father in Heaven for help? NO! I was too stubborn. Since the first few days of this issue, I've felt prompted to pray but I kept telling myself, "I'm tired, I'll do it tomorrow".

The parents in my room have commented each day that I look exhausted. Today I had 2 parents tell me that their child no longer wants to come to school because they don't like what happens in class. Then 3 other parents have told me their child is becoming defiant and wants to know if it is rubbing off from another child (they've all seen this one child in action at some point or other). It all hit me today like a bag of bricks. My class is being effected too much by this situation and while I can't completely prevent it, am I really doing anything to keep the environment of the classroom positive after these episodes with the child?

I came home and cried for 20 minutes in the bathroom because I know my husband can't stand to see me cry. He hates that I carry so much of my work life with me all the time (these children are a part of me). I decided not to go to our youth group activity tonight (for which I'm a leader) because I knew I finally needed to get down on my knees and ask for help. Well after dinner, Sam went to play a video game in his office and what did I do? I layed on the couch watching television for 2 hours....that's sure isn't going to help a lot. House doesn't offer much advice on child care.

Anyway, my husband finally came out a little while later and asked if I wanted a blessing. This is something that males in our church who hold the priesthood can offer to others. It was a blessing of comfort. Basically, my husband offered a prayer for me, however, it wasn't just his thoughts, it was Heavenly Father also letting me know what I needed to hear. At the end of the blessing, Sam said "Your Heavenly Father wants you to know that he will help you when you follow his commandments, when you pray and ask for help." My husband did not know this was something that I had not been praying about. I have never felt so humbled in my life. God was letting me know that all I have to do ask him and he will help. How could have been so stubborn? Why did I let myself go through this much torture when I've known all along what I needed to do? After the blessing, I let Sam know that I hadn't been very good lately because I hadn't been praying. He reminded me that sometimes, just taking two seconds to close my eyes and say a quick prayer can make all the difference. How grateful I am for my husband and his love for me and his love for our Heavenly Father. He helped me in a way tonight that I could never explain to him.

I just felt like I really needed to get all of this off my chest tonight. I've kept so much of it in. Some of you may not have known that much was wrong. Some of you may have noticed I was a little off recently. If you have noticed, now you might understand why. I'm sorry for the things I've neglected lately (especially to my husband for neglecting house work so much recently).

I think I really needed to go through this experience to get me back on track with how I want my daily life. I used to say my prayers every morning and night and read my scriptures daily. I don't know what happened, but I just stopped one day. Things have been difficult and while I wasn't sure why that was so for awhile, I think I understand better now.

Now that you have read way more than you probably wanted to know, I'll end this. My posts in the future should be a bit better or more interesting, but I really need to say this, to someone, anyone who wanted to read it cause I've felt overwhelmed by it and didn't know who to turn to. Thanks for reading and enjoy your week. Hopefully my days will be looking brighter.